Growing Outside

Welcome to the May Carnival of Natural Parenting: Growing in the Outdoors

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared how they encourage their children to connect with nature and dig in the dirt. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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The second movie finishes mid-afternoon, days and days into a dreary week. I don’t know when we last had sun, but I know that the solar powered battery is run down. At least five days, probably longer. Rain. Rain. The soil is too wet to turn over, let alone plant. Small puddles of water are pooled everywhere that large pools haven’t completely obliterated the lawn.

I wander through the house, feeling agitated. I want to be doing something. I want to plant something. And then I notice my oldest son slipping out the back door, wearing his coat and boots. Several minutes later, he wanders by the window, stick waving wildly, chasing imaginary foes. My daughter notices and heads downstairs. “I’m going out, Mummy!” “Ooh!” says their youngest brother, “Me too!” I insist that he (finally) get dressed after two days in PJ’s. We have been storm stayed, but the cabin fever is winning. Everybody suitably attired, I wander out after them. There is nothing to do, and nowhere to go. We are just wandering, playing, chasing the critters, counting chickens, throwing a stick for the neighbour’s dog. It is so much a part of them that I don’t need to add anything.

I wander down the driveway, and they follow. “Oh! A walk! Let’s go for a walk!” says my daughter. Her brother scrambles after, not to be left out of anything, ever, “Me too!” “You coming?” I ask the orc-slayer. “No,” he says, stick swinging more gently, as is his wont when the younger ones are around. And I know what I need to do to get my children to love the outdoors: nothing.

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Carnival of Natural Parenting -- Hobo Mama and Code Name: MamaVisit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

  • Get Out!Momma Jorje gives reasons she doesn’t think she gets outside enough and asks for your suggestions on making time for the outdoors.
  • How Does Your Garden Grow?The ArtsyMama shares her love of nature photography.
  • We Go Outside — Amy at Peace 4 Parents describes her family’s simple, experiential approach to encouraging appreciation of nature.
  • My Not-So-Green Thumb — Wolfmother confesses to her lack of gardening skills but expresses hope in learning alongside her son at Fabulous Mama Chronicles.
  • Enjoying Outdoors — Isil at Smiling like Sunshine describes how her children enjoy the nature.
  • Five Ideas to Encourage the Reluctant Junior Gardener — For the rare little ones who don’t like to get their hands dirty, Dionna at Code Name: Mama offers tips for encouraging an early love of dirt (despite the mess).
  • Connecting to NatureMamapoekie shares how growing your own vegetable patch connects your child to nature and urges them to not take anything for granted.
  • The Farmer’s Market Classroom — Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction shares how the Farmer’s Market has become her son’s classroom.
  • Seeds — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment‘s hubby Ken shares his perspective on why gardening with their kiddos is so important . . . and enjoyable!
  • Toddlers in the Garden — Laura at A Pug in the Kitchen shares her excitement as she continues to introduce her toddler and new baby to the joys of fresh veggies, straight from the garden.
  • Nature’s Weave — MJ at Wander Wonder Discover explains how nature weaves its way into our lives naturally, magnetically, experientially, and spiritually.
  • Becoming Green — Kristina at Hey Red celebrates and nurtures her daughter’s blossoming love of the outdoors.
  • Little Gardener — Rosemary at Rosmarinus Officinalis looks forward to introducing her baby girl to gardening and exploring home grown foods for the first time.
  • Cultivating Abundance — You can never be poor if you have a garden! Lucy at Dreaming Aloud reflects on what she cultivates in her garden . . . and finds it’s a lot more than seeds!
  • Growing in the Outdoors: Plants and People — Luschka at Diary of a First Child reflects on how she is growing while teaching her daughter to appreciate nature, the origins of food, and the many benefits of eating home-grown.
  • How Not to Grow — Anna at Wild Parenting discusses why growing vegetables fills her with fear.
  • Growing in the Outdoors — Lily at Witch Mom Blog talks about how connecting to the natural world is a matter of theology for her family and the ways that they do it.
  • A Garden Made of Straw — Kelly at Becoming Crunchy shares tips on making a straw bale garden.
  • The Tradition of Gardening — Carrie at Love Notes Mama reflects on the gifts that come with the tradition of gardening.
  • Gardening Smells Like Home — Bethy at Bounce Me to the Moon hopes that her son will associate home grown food and lovely flowers with home.
  • The New Normal — Patti at Jazzy Mama writes about how she hopes that growing vegetables in a big city will become totally normal for her children’s generation.
  • Outside, With You — Amy at Anktangle writes a letter to her son, a snapshot of a moment in the garden together.
  • Farmer Boy — Abbie at Farmer’s Daughter shares how her son Joshua helps to grow and raise their family’s food.
  • Growing Kids in the Garden — Lisa at Granola Catholic shares easy ways to get your kids involved in the garden.
  • Growing Food Without a Garden — Don’t have a garden? “You can still grow food!” says Mrs Green of Little Green Blog. Whatever the size of your plot, she shows you how.
  • Growing Things — Liz at Garden Variety Mama shares her reasons for gardening with her kids, even though she has no idea what she’s doing.
  • MomentsUK Mummy Blogger explains how the great outdoors provides a backdrop for her family to reconnect.
  • Condo Kid Turns Composter and Plastic Police — Jessica from Cloth Diapering Mama has discovered that her young son is a true earth lover despite living in a condo with no land to call their own.
  • Gardening with Baby — Sheila at A Gift Universe shows us how her garden and her son are growing.
  • Why to Choose Your Local Farmer’s MarketNaturally Nena shares why she believes it’s important to teach our children the value of local farmers.
  • Unfolding into Nature — At Crunchy-Chewy Mama, Jessica Claire shares her desire to cultivate a reverence for nature through gardening, buying local food, and just looking out the window.
  • Urban Gardening With Kids — Lauren at Hobo Mama shares her strategies for city gardening with little helpers — without a yard but with a whole lot of enthusiasm.
  • Mama Doesn’t Garden — Laura at Our Messy Messy Life is glad her husband is there to instill the joys of gardening in their children, while all she has to do is sit back and eat homegrown tomato sandwiches.
  • Why We Make this Organic Garden Grow — Brenna at Almost All The Truth shares her reasons for gardening with her three small children.
  • 5 Ways to Help Your Baby Develop a Love of the Natural World — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama believes it’s never too early to foster a love of the natural world in your little one.
  • April Showers Bring May PRODUCE — Erika at NaMammaSte discusses her plans for raising a little gardener.
  • Growing Outside — Seonaid at The Practical Dilettante discovers how to get her kids outside after weeks of spring rain.
  • Eating Healthier — Chante at My Natural Motherhood Journey talks about how she learns to eat healthier and encourages her children to do the same.
  • The Beauty of Earth and Heavens — Inspired by Charlotte Mason, Erica at ChildOrganics discovers nature in her own front yard.
  • Seeing the Garden Through the Weeds — Amanda at Let’s Take the Metro talks about the challenges of gardening with two small children.
  • Creating a Living Playhouse: Our Bean Teepee! — Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings shares how her family creates a living playhouse “bean teepee” and includes tips of how to involve kids in gardening projects.
  • Grooming a Tree-Hugger: Introducing the Outdoors — Ana at Pandamoly shares some of her planned strategies for making this spring and summer memorable and productive for her pre-toddler in the Outdoors.
  • Sowing Seeds of Life and Love — Suzannah at ShoutLaughLove celebrates the simple joys of baby chicks, community gardening, and a semi-charmed country life.
  • Experiencing Nature and Growing Plants Outdoors Without a Garden — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now shares some of her favorite ways her family discovered to fully experience nature wherever they lived.
  • Garden Day — Melissa at The New Mommy Files is thankful to be part of community of families, some of whom can even garden!
  • Teaching Garden Ettiquette to the Locusts — Tashmica from Mother Flippin’ (guest posting at Natural Parents Network) allows her children to ravage her garden every year in the hopes of teaching them a greater lesson about how to treat the world.
  • Why I Play with Worms. — Megan of Megadoula, Megamom and Megatired shares why growing a garden and raising her children go hand in hand.

Advocacy? Me?

Welcome to the April Carnival of Natural Parenting: Compassionate Advocacy

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared how they advocate for healthy, gentle parenting choices compassionately. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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The theme for this month’s Carnival of Natural Parenting has me a little stumped. Yeah! Me! I thought I had an opinion on everything. (That’s been one of the favoured code lines for “shut up” most of my adult life.) The theme of Compassionate Advocacy appeals to me intellectually. I love advocates and The Loud! I love The Compassionate even more. It just isn’t quite the way that I think of myself. I don’t consider myself an intactivist or a lactivist, for example, although I certainly invited the woman who was about to bundle her hungry baby out of the library to make herself comfortable and talk books while they nursed. But I didn’t become a La Leche League leader, or crusader for women’s health. I just talk about breastfeeding in the moment, one person at a time.

Most of the time, I forget that all of this isn’t “normal”. I was listening to a discussion on circumcision on the radio this evening, and I was shocked. I didn’t choose circumcision because it never occurred to me. It never occurred to me not to breastfeed, or not to carry my infants, or not to sleep with them, or (conversely) to have an epidural, or an IV, or a bassinet, or a nurse whisking my baby away to be cleaned up. (OK. The possible superior wisdom of the epidural occurred to me once, during transition, when I was throwing up into my bathroom sink, but it passed after a couple of contractions.) I was offered all of those things, of course, at my hospital pre-registration, but I responded with such horror that the nursing staff threw up their hands in despair, labelled me “One of THOSE” and washed their hands of me.

I guess that what passes for advocacy in my world is more that I am obviously One of THOSE: Vegetarian lunches with whole-grain bread? In kindergarten? A table at the farmer’s market? Chickens? Home birth when the province hadn’t yet ironed out the midwifery legislation? What kind of mother is that woman?

When pressed to think about it, I must admit that by living my life differently, I hope that I’m offering people the chance to do the same. I’m certainly not doing it for the glamour of the rural life or for the praise that comes with being the weird mom. But I do think that the world could be happier, and children could be healthier, if more people felt comfortable making more natural choices. So I do whatever I’m going to do, but I don’t hide it to make other people more comfortable. Because people can only choose among what they know is possible.

So when I was offered a quiet chair in back to breastfeed my newborn (in the waiting room at the hospital!) I merely politely declined and continued on my merry nursing way. We carried our children everywhere in soft front carriers, a big backpack, or a bicycle trailer, and only used the infant car seat to deal with the problem of safe restraint in the car. We slept with the babies, declining a crib and opting instead for a king-sized bed. We had midwives for our births, and two of the children were born at home, and we talk about all of this stuff again and again and again because people seem to be curious… but mostly I just keep doing my thing. And it seems to be working.

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Carnival of Natural Parenting -- Hobo Mama and Code Name: MamaVisit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

  • Natural Parenting Advocacy by Example — Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction uses her blog, Twitter and Facebook as her natural parenting soapbox.
  • You Catch More Flies With Honey — When it comes to natural parenting advice, Kate of The Guavalicious Life believes you catch more flies with honey.
  • From the Heart — Patti at Jazzy Mama searches her heart for an appropriate response when she learns that someone she respects wants his baby to cry-it-out.
  • I Offer the Truth — Amy at Innate Wholeness shares the hard truths to inspire parents in making changes and fully appreciating the parenting experience.
  • Advocating or Just Opinionated?Momma Jorje discusses how to draw the line between advocating compassionately and being just plain opinionated. It can be quite a fine line.
  • Compassionate Advocacy — Mamapoekie of Authentic Parenting writes about how to discuss topics you are passionate about with people who don’t share your views.
  • Heiny Helpers: Sharing Cloth Love — Heiny Helpers is guest posting on Natural Parents Network to share how they are providing cloth diapers and cloth diapering support to low income families.
  • Struggling with Advocacy — April of McApril still struggles to determine how strongly she should advocate for her causes, but still loves to show her love for her parenting choices to those who would like to listen.
  • Compassionate Advocacy Through Blogging (AKA –Why I Blog) — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama shares how both blogging and day-to-day life give her opportunities to compassionately advocate for natural parenting practices.
  • A Letter to *Those* Parents — Zoie at TouchstoneZ shares how to write an informed yet respectful reply to those parents — you know, the ones who don’t parent the way you do.
  • Why I Am Not A Homebirth Advocate — Olivia at Write About Birth is coming out: she is a homebirth mom, but not a homebirth advocate. One size does not fit all – but choice is something we can all advocate for!
  • Why I Open My Big Mouth — Wolfmother from Fabulous Mama Chronicles reflects on why she is passionate about sharing parenting resources.
  • Watching and Wearing — Laura at Our Messy Messy Life advocates the joys of babywearing simply by living life in a small college town.
  • Compassionate Advocacy . . . That’s The Way I Do It — Amyables at Toddler in Tow describes how she’s learned to forsake judgment and channel her social energy to spread the “good news” of natural parenting through interaction and shared experiences.
  • Compelling without repelling — Lauren at Hobo Mama cringes when she thinks of the obnoxious way she used to berate people into seeing her point of view.
  • I Am the Change — Amanda at Let’s Take the Metro describes a recent awakening where she realized exactly how to advocate for natural parenting.
  • Public Displays of CompassionThe Accidental Natural Mama recounts an emotional trip to the grocery store and the importance of staying calm and compassionate in the storm of toddler emotions.
  • I will not hide behind my persona — Suzi Leigh at Attached at the Boob discusses the benefits of being honest and compassionate on the internet.
  • Choosing My Words — Jenny at Chronicles of a Nursing Mom shares why she started her blog and why she continues to blog despite an increasingly hectic schedule.
  • Honour the Child :: Compassionate Advocacy in the Classroom — Lori at Beneath the Rowan Tree shares her experience of being a gentle and compassionate parent — with other people’s children — as a classroom volunteer in her daughter’s senior kindergarten room.
  • Inspired by the Great Divide (and Hoping to Inspire) — Rosemary at Rosmarinus Officinalis shares her thoughts on navigating the “great divide” through gently teaching and being teachable.
  • Introverted Advocacy — CatholicMommy at Working to be Worthy shares how she advocates for gentle parenting, even though she is about as introverted as one can be.
  • The Three R’s of Effective and Gentle Advocacy — Ana at Pandamoly explains how “The Three R’s” can yield consistent results and endless inspiration to those in need of some change.
  • Passionate and Compassionate: How do We do It? — Kelly at Becoming Crunchy shares the importance of understanding your motivation for advocacy.
  • Sharing the love — Isil at Smiling Like Sunshine talks about how she shares the love and spreads the word.
  • What Frank Said — Nada at miniMOMist has a good friend named Frank. She uses his famous saying to demonstrate how much natural parenting has benefited her and her family.
  • Baby Sling Carriers Make Great Compassionate Advocacy Tools — Chante at My Natural Motherhood Journey shared her babywearing knowledge — and her sling — with a new mom.
  • Everyday Superheroes — Who needs Superman when we have a community of compassionate advocates?! Dionna at Code Name: Mama believes that our community of gentle bloggers are the true superheroes.
  • Words of advice: compassionately advocating for my parenting choices — MrsH at Fleeting Moments waits to give advice until she’s been asked, resulting in fewer advocacy moments but very high responsiveness from parents all over the spectrum of parenting approaches.
  • Peaceful Parenting — Peaceful parenting shows at Living Peacefully with Children with an atypical comment from a stranger.
  • Speaking for birth — Lucy at Dreaming Aloud soul-searches about how she can advocate for natural birth without causing offense.
  • Gentle is as Gentle Does — Laura at A Pug in the Kitchen shares how she is gently advocating her parenting style.
  • Walking on Air — Rachael at The Variegated Life wants you to know that she has no idea what she’s doing — and it’s a gift.
  • Parenting with my head, my heart, and my gut — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares her thoughts on being a compassionate advocate of natural parenting as a blogger.
  • At Peace With the World — Megan at Ichigo Means Strawberry talks about being an advocate for peaceful parenting at 10,000 feet.
  • Putting a public face on “holistic” — Being public about her convictions is a must for Jessica at Crunchy-Chewy Mama, but it takes some delicacy.
  • Just Be; Just Do. — Amy at Anktangle believes strongly about her parenting methods, and also that the way to get people to take notice is to simply live her life and parent the best she knows how.
  • One Parent at a Time… — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment believes that advocating for Natural Parenting is best accomplished by walking the walk.
  • Self-compassion — We’re great at caring for and supporting others —from our kiddos to other mamas — but Lisa at Gems of Delight shares a post about treating ourselves with that same sense of compassion.
  • Using Montessori Principles to Advocate Natural Parenting — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now tells how she uses Montessori principles to be a compassionate advocate for natural parenting.
  • Advocacy? Me? — Seonaid at The Practical Dilettante discovers that by “just doing her thing,” she may be advocating for natural parenting.
  • Feeding by Example — Mama Mo at Attached at the Nip shares her experience of being the first one of her generation to parent.
  • Compassionate Consumerism — Erica at ChildOrganics encourages her children to be compassionate consumers and discusses the benefits of buying local and fair trade products.
  • The Importance of Advocating Compassionately — Kristen at Adventures in Mommyhood acts as a compassionate advocate by sharing information with many in the hopes of reaching a few.
  • Some Thoughts on Gentle Discipline — Darcel at The Mahogany Way shares her thoughts and some tips on Gentle Discipline.
  • Compassionate Advocacy: Sharing Resources, Spreading the Love — Terri at Child of the Nature Isle shares how her passion for making natural choices in pregnancy, birth, and parenting have supported others in Dominica and beyond.
  • A journey to compassion and connection — Jessica at Instead of Institutions shares her journey from know-it-all to authentic advocacy.
  • Advocacy Through Openness, Respect, and Understanding — Melissa at The New Mommy Files describes her view on belief, and how it has shaped the way she advocates for gentle parenting choices.
  • Why I’m not an advocate for Natural Parenting — Mrs Green at Little Green Blog delivers the shocking news that, after 10 years of being a mum, she is NOT an advocate for natural parenting!
  • Natural Love Creates Natural Happiness — A picture is worth a thousand words, but how about a smile, or a giggle, or a gaze? Jessica at Cloth Diapering Mama’s kids are extremely social and their natural happiness is very obvious.
  • Carnival of Natural Parenting: Compassionate Advocacy — Even in the progressive SF Bay Area, Lily at Witch Mom finds she must defend some of her parenting choices.
  • A Tale of Four Milky Mamas — In this post The ArtsyMama shares how she has found ways to repay her childhood friend for the gift of milk.
  • don’t tell me what to do — Pecky at benny and bex demonstrates compassionate advocacy through leading by example.

Ten Fundamentals

Welcome to the March Carnival of Natural Parenting: Natural Parenting Top 10 Lists

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have shared Top 10 lists on a wide variety of aspects of attachment parenting and natural living. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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I have a friend who asks me hard questions. It’s part of what ties our friendship together across the years and the miles: we go on long drives and she asks me hard questions. What is fundamental? How do you know what is true? What do you know? It’s great to have a friend like that, because it keeps me honest.

Being childfree herself, she is fiercely committed to my children, who are part of her hope for the future. So, partly in the vein of Extreme Philosophy, partly to feed the Meta Monster, and partly for CL, here is my list of ten things I want my children to believe about the world that are the foundation of why I parent live this way.

Ten Things I Want My Children to Believe

  1. That the world is basically safe
    I know that this is not true for all places and all times. But where we live, you can drink the tap water, you can play in the yard, you can go for a walk. There are germs, but they are not lurking under every passing bush or on every surface of every public space. There are coyotes and foxes in the forest, and there is a river at the end of the driveway. There are cars to be avoided. But these are not reasons to stay inside, and they are not things to fear. They are risks to be mitigated.
  2. That people can be trusted
    “People” starts with their parents. This means that I need to become a trustworthy person, and keep working on my own stuff. It also means that I surround them with trustworthy and healthy people who will reinforce their strengths. This has partly meant seeking out the natural parenting community here, but it has also meant maintaining strong friendships with chosen family, those people who care for my children as if they were blood. Once again, I’m not naive. I know that not all people are worthy of trust, and I am teaching my children about boundaries and autonomy. I’m just avoiding that “dog eat dog” worldview that holds us back from cooperating enough to accomplish necessary change.
  3. That they are capable
    Human beings learn stuff. That’s what they do. Kids will become fully functional adults, with talents, and skills, and knowledge, and the ability to get through the world, as long as we don’t get in their way. My job is to make sure that they have access to the opportunities and resources that they need. Sometimes that involves classes, sometimes it involves reminders to practice things that they care about, and sometimes it involves giving them enough help that they can dig themselves out of a hole. But I can’t rescue them; they need to learn to rescue themselves, because I won’t always be there. And I can’t push them to reach their greatest potential, because I’m outside them, and I don’t actually know what that is. But they do, somewhere deep inside, and I want them to learn to trust that.
  4. The world is sacred and life is precious
    Sometimes, I am overwhelmed by this one, because it seems to be at odds with everything our culture holds to be true. I can’t make sense of most of the choices our systems lead to, but if we don’t reintegrate this, we will never make changes.
  5. That other people are as important as they are
    When I was calling this list out to my husband, our son came past and said, “You mean each person, right. Not all 7 billion other people are as important as me. Because that would be pretty silly, dividing my worth among 7 billion other people.” So I’ll let him have the word on this one.
  6. That they are as important as other people
    It would be very easy to let the needs of 7 billion other people overwhelm you. But you aren’t really dealing with 7 billion other people. You are always dealing with one other person. And so I try to help them deal with the world one human interaction at a time.
  7. Feminism is still necessary
    OK. My daughter wants to be a Mom when she grows up. And my youngest son trashes things just by picking them up too forcefully. And maybe I abandoned my career just when it was starting to look promising. Twice. I’m still not going to entertain any worldview that assumes that I am lesser because I happened to be born with a uterus. Nor am I willing to accept that mothering is less important work just because it is ubiquitous.
  8. It’s OK to ask for what you want
    Not only that, it is encouraged. Articulate. Be clear. Please, please, don’t ask me to guess why you are standing in front of me twisting your hands and murmuring “um…” Tell me what it is that you are after, because everything flows better when the communication is clear. Also, if you don’t ask for what you want, you are not as likely to get it.
  9. Nobody owes you a yes
    Oh, this was hard. Early on, we were working on not screaming, calming down, and asking politely. Then one night, my (then) 18-month old child, who was precociously verbal, said, “I calmed down. I calmed down.” And I almost cried, because I had to say to him, “Oh, sweetie. You worked so hard at calming down. But I still can’t give you what you asked for. Sometimes the answer is just No.” I felt awful. I don’t remember what it was, and I don’t remember the reason (I think we were in the car and he wanted something that was at home) but I remember the feeling that I had betrayed him. It wasn’t because the answer was no. It was because I hadn’t thought about that possibility. In retrospect, I can say that I was being unfair to myself, since he was about a year ahead of schedule and I hadn’t prepared myself for that possibility, either.
  10. Life is better when it is generously peppered with laughter
    Reading this list, it would be easy to imagine that our house was earnest beyond all belief. Nothing could be farther from the truth. We find ourselves laughing until the tears stream down our faces, gasping for breath. We get great pleasure from the world around us, the music we make with friends, and the food we grow and share. But it is the laughter that carries us through when I don’t believe.

Most of the things on this list are things that I only “think.” I haven’t integrated them into my core, and I still have to check my responses. I still have fears of things that I know rationally are not all that dangerous. I still want the people I love to conform to my expectations so that I don’t have to deal with disappointment. I still hiss at my children when I am frustrated, and scream when I get angry, and cry over the state of the world. But what I do believe is that the world will only get better if the next generation expects it to. So I am doing what I can to contribute to that.

And this is why.

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Carnival of Natural Parenting -- Hobo Mama and Code Name: MamaVisit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

Loves Books, Loves People

Welcome to the February Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting Essentials

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared the parenting essentials that they could not live without. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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I cannot imagine parenting without the public library.

The first summer that we were here, in a new city in a new part of the country, I was pregnant and had a toddler in tow. The first week of fall, we signed up for the FREE preschool program at the library. It was a baby-and-me sort of thing, with stories, playtime, and a chance to meet other parents. It went so well that we started going to the playgroup at the local drop-in centre, where we met up with the breastfeeding group, and the woman that eventually became the second attendant at my baby’s birth. Next season, I took my weeks-old baby to the Babies and Books group (also at the library, also free). One of the other babies from that session has become his ‘oldest’ friend, nearly 4 years later. Since then we have been to innumerable Preschool classes, Babies and Books, and Toddler Time programs, as well as the special Family Literacy Day events. My son went to a computer summer camp for a week – free again! My daughter got her picture in the paper for being so cute at face painting time! The library became more than just a place in our family’s world; it became an Event!

This has backfired at least once. At one of the Family Literacy Days, there were therapy dogs. My youngest son (just under about 2-1/2 at the time) was enchanted, and spent most of the afternoon sneaking as many treats to the dog’s as their handlers would allow them. The next week, when I said, “Hey! Let’s go to the library!” he replied. “Yeah! The wibwawy is Awesome!” (emphasis in the original.) I was so happy. As we were getting ready, he was singing and dancing, “Oh, we’re going to the wibwawy!” I thought I was the Best Mom Ever. And then he said, “We’re going to have cake, and pet dogs!” Oops. And here I thought he was just that enthusiastic about books.

The most obvious function of the library is as a source for reading material and entertainment. We take out stacks of picture books and get almost all our movies and TV programs from the library (since we don’t have any TV stations at home.) My philosophy is, “might as well take it home. it’s free.” That way we encounter books that we would never otherwise have access to, since picture books are about $20 each and board books run to nearly $10. We can bring home four new chapter books and read one or two chapters of each, and it’s no big deal to give up on them.

The library also gives me access to a world of possibility, information, and skills. I wrote recently about my gratitude to the writers who have come before us, but even more than that, I consider the open access to information provided by the public library to be one of the greatest accomplishments of civilization. (I know, it sounds hyperbolic, but I swear I mean it.) Somehow, even having been raised on it, I had lost touch with how much a library can contain. From my local library, I got out the pregnancy and nursing books, the parenting books, the fertility awareness books, the books on talking to your kids about sex, the books on nutrition, and an abundance of cookbooks. The library also kept me connected with my intellectual life, because I didn’t have a job to go ‘back’ to, having moved while pregnant. I worked my way through the philosophy and religion sections, through a big stack on local food, farming, and raising chickens, and across yoga and exercise. I have learned to knit, gotten renovation advice, car repair suggestions, and spice blends to try out. I have also discovered the joy of reading obscure novels based entirely on their cover art.

It gets a little cheesy, here, because I loved the library so much that I went to work there (on a 12 week contract) for nine months. I had my own little library to run for the summer, and I found out that I really liked working with the public, especially the kids. Who knew? Loves books, loves people. I had my most recent shift last Friday, because I’m still on the “call when everybody else is sick” list. My youngest has taken some time to accept that mommy doesn’t have her own little library any more, but the ‘big’ library will do in a pinch. He guesses. Even if there are no dogs or cake. Because it turns out that he really does love books that much, just like the rest of us.

***

Carnival of Natural Parenting -- Hobo Mama and Code Name: MamaVisit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

  • Not Without Him — The love Starr at Taking Time shares with her husband is the foundation of her parenting.
  • I Cannot Imagine Parenting Without B(.)(.)bs — From an uneducated dreamer to a breastfeeding mother of a toddler, nursing has forever changed Kristy at Strings to Things’s relationship with her daughter and her outlook on life.
  • Raising a Child in the Internet Village — When Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction has a question or concern about parenting, she turns to the Internet. What did parents do before Google?
  • Partner in Crime and ParentingBethy at Bounce Me to the Moon can’t imagine parenting without her husband’s sense of humor – he brings her laughter and love every day.)
  • I Make MilkPatti at Jazzy Mama can’t imagine trying to mother her babies without her breasts, but she could do it if she had to.
  • New Perspectives Bring New BeginningsMJ at Wander Wonder Discover, who is a former authoritarian mamma, has gained perspective via parenting.
  • Time Out!Mrs. Green at Little Green Blog explores how time apart can increase your capacity to give unconditionally.
  • Unimaginable Without HimKristina at heyred designs is celebrating her amazing partner, without whom none of her parenting experience would be possible.
  • My Parenting NecessityClaire at The Adventures of Lactating Girl needs “me time” in order to be the Mama she wants to be.
  • Babywearing As a Way of LifeDarcel at The Mahogany Way talks about the benefits of babywearing in everyday life.
  • Parenting Partnership — Sometimes Abbie at Farmer’s Daughter doesn’t appreciate her husband enough, but she definitely couldn’t imagine parenting without his help.
  • Parenting EssentialsMomma Jorje loves her parenting products, but she needs you even more.
  • My Parenting Must-Have: SupportJoella at Fine and Fair wrote a letter to her daughter about the role that support from friends and family plays in her mothering.
  • It’s More Than Just Hair — Think doing hair is full of fluff? Too girly? Useless? Karli from Curly Hairdo Ideas used to think so too.
  • The Minimalist Parent — The parents at Living Peacefully with Children embrace a minimalist perspective when it comes to baby gear. A good sling is all they need.
  • Without My BreastsCharise at I Thought I Knew Mama can’t imagine parenting without her breasts; here’s why.
  • Loves Books, Loves PeopleSeonaid at the Practical Dilettante discovers that the library is a perfect fit for her family’s needs.
  • An Ode to the Maya WrapRevMama’s next child might be named Maya, because of her fondness for the sling.
  • Avoiding the Padded RoomPecky at Benny and Bex is here to testify that it takes a village to raise a child.
  • My parenting essentials, from Tivo to battery-operated monstrositiesLauren at Hobo Mama presents a list of parenting essentials you didn’t even know you needed (and probably don’t…).
  • Attachment Parenting Through Separation: It Makes It a Little BetterJessica at This Is Worthwhile talks about how she couldn’t survive her separation without attachment parenting and the bond it’s afforded her with her 3 year old son.
  • Parenting EssentialsDeb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now shares the principles she used to parent her children from infants to adults.
  • My Parenting Essentials — The things that are truly essential to Kim at In Desperate Need of Entertainment aren’t things at all.
  • I’m No One Without My Sling — How baby carrying is essential to the parenting of Jessica Claire at Crunchy-Chewy Mama.
  • I Cannot Imagine Parenting Without…Isil at Smiling Like Sunshine talks about what she needs to raise her children.
  • February Carnival of Natural Parenting — Through her experiences over the last five and a half years, Casey at Love What Is has discovered her most important tool for parenting is using her instincts.
  • CNP: I Cannot Imagine Parenting Without __________.The Artsymama discloses the one thing that gave her back control of herself as a parent.
  • Laugh Until I Cry — Laughing with her sons keeps Acacia at Fingerpaint & Superheroes connected and grounded.
  • I Cannot Imagine Parenting WithoutLuschka at Diary of a First Child realizes what the one thing she can’t imagine parenting without is, and it turns out it’s not a thing after all.
  • It Takes Two — Here are a few of the reasons why Jenn at Adventures Down Under cannot imagine parenting without her fabulous husband.
  • Stopping to Listen — Though it wasn’t easy at first, Knocked Up – Knocked Over cannot imagine parenting her daughter without listening first to what she is telling her.
  • The Essence of Parenting — There are many wonderful resources that make life easier for Michelle at the Parent Vortex to parent, but the essence is the relationship between parent and child.
  • What I Cannot Live WithoutSybil at Musings of a Milk Maker considers her computer to be a parenting lifeline.
  • True Blessings: White Noise and GrandparentsKat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment can’t live without her white noise machine and the support of her parents.
  • The Necessities! — What “stuff” does a natural parent like Lily, aka Witch Mom really need? Not much, it turns out.
  • Mama Showed MeMama Mo at Attached at the Nip writes about how parenting wisdom is passed on by example.
  • Ode to the Loo — For Joni Rae at Tales of a Kitchen Witch, the bathroom is her safe place, where she can take a minute to calm down if she is feeling touched out.
  • Go, Mama. Go!Andrea!!! at Ella-Bean & Co. has been able to integrate her many roles through her get-up-and-go parenting essential, exercise!
  • My Other HalfBecky at Old New Legacy realizes what a relief it is to have her husband parent alongside her.
  • Grace, Love, and CoffeeMrsH at Fleeting Moments realizes that lifelines can take the form of the profound, or the mundane. Both are ok.
  • Supportive Spouse, Check! — There are so many parenting tools and gadgets that are superfluous, but the one essential, for Danielle at born.in.japan, has been her supportive spouse.
  • Why I’m a BabywearerMeredith at Becoming Mamas reflects on the ways babywearing has enhanced her mama baby relationship…and made life easier to boot.
  • It’s Marvelous Out Here, Kiddo!Rachael at The Variegated Life can’t imagine parenting in the big city without the marvels of Prospect Park to share with her Critter.
  • Yes, Thank YouAmy at Anktangle offers tips on how to ask for and accept help, an essential for successful parenting.
  • Parenting Essentials Checklist: Mom’s Inner Rebel and Her Kids’ VoicesOlivia at Write About Birth reflects on raising global citizens and saying no to societal norms.
  • Eco-Mama Online! — An Eco-Mama living in the mountains of a nature island, Terri at Child of the Nature Isle finds it essential to connect to nature and to connect online.
  • Sorry, We Just Sold the Last OneNev at The Adventures of Lime confesses she missed out the day they handed out patience.
  • LaughTashmica at The Mother Flippin’ Blog reveals her super power, her talisman agains mean mommy.
  • My Priceless Parenting Resource — What do books, a magazine community, my mother and the local playgroup have in common? Lucy at Dreaming Aloud tells us…
  • The Gift of Shared TimeTree at Mom Grooves strives to experience the world from her daughter’s perspective.
  • Follow the GigglesDionna at Code Name: Mama can’t live without the sound of her child’s giggles – come watch her video and you’ll agree!
  • Can I Mommy Without Boob?Emily at Crunchy(ish) Mama shares her fears about weaning and losing part of that the mother/child bond.

The Importance of Being Less Earnest

Welcome to the January Carnival of Natural Parenting: Learning from children

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have shared the many lessons their children have taught them. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

***

Boy, have I been having trouble with this topic. I’ve done something like five complete rewrites. It’s not that I don’t learn from my children. It’s that without them, I would be a completely different person. When I consider the work I have done to become a better parent, I tend to become very earnest. At the same time, I find myself thinking that I wouldn’t be having as much fun without them. It’s like two competing posts, but without the benefit of two authors!

I guess I’ll go with that, then. It is the paradox, that parenting demands both more effort and more joy. I read that I would be “happier” if I hadn’t had my children, but I can’t believe it. I might be less tired and less stressed without these kids. I would certainly have more money. But I wouldn’t be ME, and I’m pretty satisfied with the way that’s turning out.

As I thought about which way to go with this, it occurred to me to simply split up ideas into two categories for this post. One of them is Things I have Learned from Parenting (very earnest). The other is Things My Children Know that I have forgotten (Stop being so Earnest!), so I will split them up, just so. Also, most uncharacteristically… bullet points!

Things I Have Learned from Parenting

In no particular order

  • You can love somebody so much that you would sacrifice your life for them, but you might still find yourself begging them to please, please, PLEASE go to sleep so that you can have two hours to yourself before you have to fall into bed to do it all over again.
  • Kids are terribly strict about right and wrong, leading to such things as living Christmas trees, vegetarian diets, and learning to watch your tongue.
  • I don’t need to make my children learn. It is what small animals do, especially human beings. If I provide them with a rich environment, a loving home, and the opportunities to engage in the world, they will play, learn, and become fully fledged human beings without my interference.
  • I do not own my children. They have relationships with other adults in our lives independent from my own, and although I may have responsibilities to surround them with healthy relationships, they have the right to negotiate those relationships separately.
  • Children are not human beings in the making; they are wholly formed human beings who need assistance to get things off top shelves and to keep themselves fed, clothed, and bathed.
  • Nobody wins when the kids do something just to get me to stop yelling. My goal is that they do things because they need doing. The room needs to be tidy so that we can find things, so that it is safe to walk across, and so that toys don’t get broken, NOT so that Mummy won’t yell.
  • Adult self-care is the foundation on which a healthy family is built. If I find myself on edge, tired, and feeling unappreciated, I need to take steps to fix that.
  • The ego has to go. Lots of people get to this one without bearing children, but I think that the need to be sane and healthy for my kids has been the main driving force here. It is not reasonable to expect the world to conform to my expectations to reassure my ego of its health, dominion, or power. This is most obvious in intimate relationships, and there is no more intimate relationship than taking responsibility for making a whole other person. Having made them, however, I need to let them go to find their own ways in the world. They are not little extensions of me, and when the I find the ego making such claims, I need to hush it.

Things My Children Know

My children know things that I, in my pursuit of responsibility, stability and Grown-up-ness, have forgotten. I recently found myself on the couch waving all four limbs in the air in excitement over finding a Power Star on Super Mario Galaxy. Caught up in earnestness, I forget about that kind of silliness. Also, Hotwheels track (with loops!), Lego starfighters, and the fun of blowing raspberries. Here are some other things that I probably used to know, that my children have had to remind me.

  • Food tastes better when it is shaped like letters, numbers, or small animals (even if you wouldn’t really eat a rhino.)
  • Don’t forget the value of bling. Tiaras are particularly good for cheering you up. Even if you are a boy.
  • Wearing purple and pink doesn’t have to undermine your feminist leanings. You can play Barbies, princess and dinosaurs all on the same day. If you are creative enough, you can play them all at the same time.
  • Bugs are really neat. Watching a spider build a web is as good as yoga for learning mindfulness. Skipping stones and doing jigsaw puzzles that you are going to take apart are valuable uses of your time, even if you do them on your own.
  • Sometimes, chocolate cake is the most important part of dinner.

And, the most important one:

  • Life is too important to be taken seriously.

OK. That last one might actually have been Oscar Wilde, but thanks to the kids, I think I finally get it. (7/362)

***

Carnival of Natural Parenting -- Hobo Mama and Code Name: MamaVisit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be live and updated by afternoon January 11 with all the carnival links.)

The Dance of Balance

Welcome to the October Carnival of Natural Parenting: Staying Centered, Finding Balance

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared how they stay centered and find balance. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

***

Balance (I)

“Balance,” you say.

I will brashly claim that it is the Holy Grail of the over-worked, over-tasked, over-everything-ed mother these days. In the pursuit of this elusive treasure, I have read almost every book on organization in the library. I have followed the guidelines for up to 20 minutes at a time. I have meditated, gone to yoga classes, gone back to school, quit school, quit my job, stayed home with the kids, gone back to work, and (most recently) quit my job again to write and teach full-time.

Before I go any further, I have two confessions/clarifications. First, I taught a week-long workshop on balance this summer that I am hoping to reprise.(1) Second, in case this leads you at any point to think that I’ve got it together, I completely forgot that I was supposed to be writing this and had to be reminded.

So, if I haven’t got it together, and I still forget, drop and neglect things, what is it that I claim to be teaching at this workshop on Balance?

Well, after pursuing the balance-as-time-management approach for nearly a decade, I have decided that it doesn’t work. Yes, you can get better at time management, you can be on time for things, you can have a tidier house, a more successful career, and (in principle), more quality time with your kids and spouse. You can Get More Done. However, that is not balance; it is looking balanced… which is not the same thing.

Let me rewind five years to the height of my time-management solution. At that point, I had two children and a full time job with a 3-hour round trip commute, I was renovating a house, I was taking graduate courses, I was volunteering at the church, and I was juggling a somewhat complicated romantic and social life.(2) Boy, was I managing. Every moment of every day was scheduled. I was listening to language tapes in the car so that I could reclaim some of that 15 hours of the week. One day, one of my colleagues told me that her therapist had told her that she needed to take 15 minutes for herself, and I looked at her, incredulous. “15 minutes?” I asked. She nodded. “He means in a week, right?” Here’s the thing: She didn’t laugh at me, because she considered it every bit as unfathomable as I did.

I vividly remember arriving home one evening after supper and lying on my back on the kitchen floor for 15 minutes before I could even consider moving, and thinking, “Something has to change.”

First, I needed to Do Less Stuff, not just keep doing the same stuff more efficiently. I needed to figure out what the most important stuff was, and to stop doing the rest of it. And I needed to start asking for help – and rather a lot, it turned out. I withdrew from the graduate program, and asked my partner to start looking for work in a smaller centre where my financial contribution would be less urgent/compulsory. I asked my parents to rescue me from my incomplete house.(3) I even entertained the possibility that a mother who couldn’t function when she got home from work might not be the most useful or emotionally supportive family member to have around and started taking 15 minutes every now and then to do fluffy-girly things like yoga, breathing, and meditation.(4)

And those fluffy-girly things that I started doing grudgingly because somebody else’s therapist recommended it turned out to change my conception of the very idea of Balance.

Balance (II)

Balance is an internal state of your body. I wouldn’t be the first to claim it as a sixth sense. Strictly, it is the ability of your body to keep itself in equilibrium, but it is not just a matter of being able to stay upright (or upside down). Your body lets you know when you are “out of balance”. You may have a recurring eye-twitch that alerts you when things are out of control. The pains in our shoulders, backs, necks, and knees are warnings and calls for attention. So are conversations about how little sleep you are getting. Not a good sign.

For one moment, sit upright and as still as you can. Now, as you are sitting there, pay attention to the subtle shifts in your muscles that are keeping you upright. If try to sit too long in that position, they get tired. That’s because you are constantly adjusting and the muscles are working. If something happens to startle you or push you off balance, it takes more work to get back to equilibrium. You might even fall down.

The key in this approach is to recognize that it isn’t static; there is no Holy Grail that you can get to. Perfect schedule, finances in order, house tidy, sex the right number of times per week, enough sleep and exercise, proper nutrition, perfectly supported children, flossed teeth, and whatever the most favoured issue of the week is… Even if you get it right for a few minutes, or a few hours, or a few days, or (if you are very lucky) a few months, something will throw a wrench in the works. It is a dynamic process. Balance is about dancing. It is about finding the right solution this minute, and the next minute, and the next. It is about keeping in touch with your internal monitor so that you don’t find yourself on the floor in crisis before you notice that something is out of kilter. And, on those moments that you do find yourself on the floor, (because they will come) balance is about having the resources to pick yourself up, or ask for help.

Flash forward to this week. I went to a dinner with my husband. I finished a pair of socks. I went canoeing. I took my youngest child to the playground. I wrote some of my long-abandoned thesis, and I wrote some blog posts. I spent some time in the back yard playing pirates and looking at bugs. I hosted a potluck for friends. I hung out laundry. When it was obvious that we were going to be caught in traffic, I parked the car and played tag with the kids while we waited. I attended a meeting at the library and delivered a passionate speech about the environmental importance of finding a more meaningful way of living. And this time, when I found myself lying on the kitchen floor, it was because of a tickle fight, not a traffic jam.


  1. I promise not to spam you; it’s in Nova Scotia. Unless you want to be spammed, and can get to NS, in which case, leave a comment.
  2. Which I might explain some other time. But it’s not really the main point right now.
  3. Which they did, in spades, and with great kindness and generosity. They’ll get a posting of gratitude some other time.
  4. Because despite 4000 years of tradition, everybody knows that yoga, meditation and breathing practices are only for girls. And all this silly self-care talk is really about self-indulgence. Or, you know… Something like that.

 

Carnival of Natural Parenting -- Hobo Mama and Code Name: MamaVisit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be updated October 12 with all the carnival links.)

  • The World from Within My Arms — Rachael at The Variegated Life finds balance despite her work and her husband’s commitment to art through attachment parenting. (@RachaelNevins)
  • Balancing the Teeter-Totter — Rebecca is rediscovering balance by exploring her interests and passions in several different categories. She shares in this guest post at The Connected Mom. (@theconnectedmom)
  • Balancing this Life — Danielle at born.in.japan is slowly learning the little tricks that make her family life more balanced. (@borninjp)
  • Uninterrupted Parenting — Amy at Innate Wholeness has learned that she does not need to interrupt parenting in order to find balance.
  • Knitting for My Family — Knitting is more than just a hobby for Kellie at Our Mindful Life, it is her creative and mental outlet, it has blessed her with friendships she might not otherwise have had, and it provides her with much-needed balance.
  • Taking the Time — Sybil at Musings of a Milk Maker has all the time she needs, now her girls are just a bit older.
  • Please, Teach Me How — Amy at Anktangle needs your help: please share how you find time for yourself, because she is struggling. (@anktangle)
  • A Pendulum Swings Both Ways — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment found herself snapping with too little time for herself, and then veered toward too much.
  • Finding Balance Amidst Change — It took a season of big changes and added responsibility, but Melodie of Breastfeeding Moms Unite! now feels more balanced and organized as a mama than ever before. (@bfmom)
  • At Home with Three Young Children: The Search for Balance, Staying Sane — With three young kids, Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings knows parents sometimes have to adjust their expectations of how much downtime they can reasonably have. (@sunfrog)
  • Attachment Parenting? And finding some “Me Time” — As a mother who works full time, Momma Jorje wants “me” time that includes her daughter.
  • A Balancing Act — Sheryl at Little Snowflakes has concrete ways to help keep centered with a little one and a new baby on the way, from exercise to early bedtimes to asking for help. (@sheryljesin)
  • Aspiring Towards Libra — Are your soul-filling activities the first to be pushed aside when life gets hectic? Kelly of KellyNaturally.com aspires to make time for those “non-necessities” this year. (@kellynaturally)
  • SARKisms for Sanity — Erica at ChildOrganics has found renewed inspiration to take baths and laugh often from a book she had on the shelf. (@childorganics)

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